Pre-Wedding ripping out of hair!

Hello!
So I haven't posted in a Very long time; this is because I am preparing for my wedding which is in... One WEEK!
In the last year I have had many difficulties and life lessons learned. With all these difficulties I learned a lot what makes me well, Me.
I have always known that I am a fun loving, social, mature, adventurous person. I love being around friends and being social; I love having fun and going on adventures. This hasn't changed since I could crawl and never will.
Something I've always loved was my hair long. I have strawberry blond hair but with a twist. I find every color in my hair: black, brown, red, blond, bleach blond, etc. People have always told me I have beautiful hair or would ask how I got the color. It's natural! My hair is super straight. It hates to be curled, but curling is too much work anyways. I love my hair long. I've had it short twice in my life and it just didn't... seem like me.
Another thing about my hair is there is 4 lucky people that have my same exact hair. Why? Because I believe  in charity. I have given my hair to a program called Locks of Love ever since I was 6 years old. Christmas 2011 was my most recent donation. I donated 12 inches. My hair has grown 10 inches since then. My goal has been give my hair 8 times in my life, but I doubt I'll stop there.
With Giving away my hair I'm also very charitable. I remember when I was around 5 or 6 I threw a Halloween Party and we "Trick or Treated for Food." I donated a carload of food to the food bank. I can't give up the opportunity to help people.
I have always loved baking. I used to bake anything my parents would buy, nothing stayed on the shelves long. I got a job at a Ice Cream shop/chocolate factory. I learned how to decorate cakes, make chocolate, caramel and chocolate covered strawberries. There I found my hobby. I love decorating cakes. I have only taken one class and I have even surprised myself.

Of course I've done many more cakes, I just don't have all the pictures on my computer yet.

I am a fighter. I fight for what I believe and for the people I care about. I fight for truth and things I'm passionate about. I stand my ground and am very stubborn. With this wedding I've been very relaxed. I've only gone Bridezilla a couple times, and the people deserved it. Weddings are about celebrating the Bride and Groom. Celebrating they found each other and they are taking on the responsibility of becoming one and becoming adults.
So what if they decided to get married young or old, where it is, what day it is. All that matters that if you need to be there to support them you are. Especially family. Family means unconditional love. It means you go to your brother's soccer games and he goes to your softball games. It means helping them when they need it and being excited when they move away even if your sad they are leaving. It means going to their wedding and not commenting on the things that you're not 100% happy about. It means helping with the wedding and making it less stressful for them. It means getting to know their new spouse before judging.
I must say, I believe if you TRULY support your family and their choice to get married you don't complain that you have to go, that it's inconvenient.
NEWS FLASH!- All weddings are inconvenient. not everyone can come and people have to get off work. My sister isn't going to make it to my wedding. It breaks my heart but I know she supports me and I understand. Living far away has it's pro's and con's. I love her more than anything and I understand. That's what family is. Understanding. This is My Hubby's day and mine. We get to be in the spot light for now and that's the way it should be. Take turns to be the one everyone is talking about and being excited for. I will go all Pissy if someone get's in our way. :)

I know this is a long weird post, but this post is mainly to release all my stress to be able to finish up the last bit of work so I can enjoy my time, our time, our spotlight time.
Family is there for me and I am also there for them. I fight with my siblings, I get upset with them, but if anyone says something bad about them I'd kill them. They are mine and I love them.
I hope I can get to know my new family well and get along with them so I can feel the same way about them as I do my own.

Thanks for reading my Pre-Wedding chaos. Back to getting things together!

Just a bit about me.

So I’ve never really posted an all about me post so here we go.

Blue has the wheel while Bartholomew bears the pedals.

I absolutely love bears! I have two teddy bears I sleep with and I think they are so cute. I know, a little childish but oh well. I’m a Psychology major photography minor. I want to be a life coach. I love helping people and making people’s lives easier. I’m a perfectionist so sometimes I fear I won’t be able to help people but I realize a lot of my friends come and ask me for advice and I am able to help them so my fears fade away.

I love photography. I’m a landscape photographer because I cannot pose people to save my life. But I love the way the earth looks. The mountains and hills covered in snow, the flowers that bloom in the spring, the green trees by the rivers, etc. I love it all. When I go out to shoot pictures with my old SLR Sears film camera or my fiancés waterproof Nikon, I only shoot what I see beautiful in natures, so naturally I have a ton of pictures. Besides music, pictures take up the most room on my laptop. Of course, I delete the ones that don’t meet my standards.

My favorite hobby is cake decorating. My most resent cake was one of a purple and blue bear. I was so proud of it we didn't cut it for days. My cake container keeps is fresh so don’t worry. Here’s a few of my cakes! I’m getting better and better the more I do.

Purple Bear Cake!

Halloween Cupcakes

Frog cake for my girl Mariah

Cupcake cake!

I love my friends and hanging with them. I’m a very social girl so I love getting together with my friends and laughing until it hurts. But my favorite thing in the whole world is my fiancé. I can’t imagine someone more perfect or a couple more in love. We are each other’s whole world! I never wanted to get married so young (I’m 19 now and we’ll both be 20 when we get married). Many people do not like me getting married so young, to them I say shut the fuck up and get on with your own life. It’s our perfect time to get married. We live together in an apartment and have since we started dating due to circumstance. Oh well. Living together does speed things up quite a bit but I wouldn't have it any other way. We make each other happy!  We’re not having kids for a long time (I say not until I’m 30 but my fiancé thinks at least a little sooner). I want to be done with my Masters and have a nice job and a place to raise them. Just because I’m getting married young doesn't mean I’m stupid. The people who don’t understand why we are getting married don’t know us. Easy as that. I’m marrying my best friend!

So we went up to my home town for a couple of days to do wedding stuff and oh my am I excited now. We have the food and the basic plan for the wedding all set up. We went and ordered our flowers and the price was so WONDERFUL! I got: my bouquet, all my brides maids plus one extra, the boutonnieres for all the grooms men fathers and grandpa’s, my fiancés boutonnieres, the flower girls flowers and a few for centerpieces all for less than $250. I was so happy I found this place. If you’re in Salt Lake and you’re in need of ANY kind of beautiful flowers for a wonderful price look up Skyline Florist on Highland Dr. As the little old lady says, “our building looks like garbage” but they are so wonderful! My wedding is small for a Utah wedding. Only close family and friends at the ceremony and then the people I’ve known since I was little will come later for the reception. I’m using all my little nieces and nephews in the ceremony and my sister is a brides maid. I Love my family and that’s what is important to me for this wedding.

Well I hope you weren’t too bored with this. Hope you all have a most wonderful weekend and Valentine’s Day. I know I will!  ;D

STRESS!

So I haven’t posted in a year. I haven’t had time or anything to really put in a whole post. So here’s an update…

I’M GETTING MARRIED!

Ah! I’m so excited!

I’m marrying my best friend and I couldn't be happier. He’s everything I ever wanted and never knew I wanted. He makes me whole. I never thought I could ever love anyone as much as I love him!

Ok, I won’t bore you with sappy details.

This wedding thing, we’re coming to find, is actually really easy. I got my dress in the first trip, we found our venue in one trip, I found my brides maids dresses, we know what our cake is going to look like etc! We seem to be having great luck with this wedding planning but I've come to realize the hardest thing about a wedding is… the new family!

Whooo. My soon to be in-laws are SO intimidating. For the people who know me, I don’t take crap from anyone. I am outspoken and fun. I’m confident and can be very scary if needed.

I don’t care what people think of me. I have no fear of public speaking and I’m so easy to talk to. Friends come to me for advice.

So why is this difficult for me? Because usually I don’t care what people think of me, but in this situation I do care.

My future brother in-law is a big worry. I have tried to talk to him and get to know him and he just dismisses me. When that happens to me in certain situations I go in to fight or flight mode… but I can’t open my mouth to fight without worrying about my appearance. So I shut up and sit back. It’s so unlike me but I know where it comes from.

If you haven’t yet read Little Girls and Stereotypes and Pushing On, please do before you read on.

So you've read it? Good.

So those experiences made me confident and feisty. But I do fear people like I did in the past. I have this fear of being looked down on. This is a real struggle for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I've tried to get to know him but he isn't taking.

Oh well.

So…. I hate to admit it but I've come to realize recently I’m a perfectionist. Not full on EVERY SINGLE THING has to be perfect, but everything in myself has to be perfect. Everything I do, say, look has to be perfect. Again I fear this being looked down upon or this unacceptance. To me if I’m not accepted there’s room for being bullied. Silly I know, but it’s what I fear.

With this perfectionist personality comes much anxiety.

It’s the end of January now, at the end of November I started getting really sick. I got worse and started having a lot of problems. I ended having mono, hypoglycemia and panic attacks. I’ve always had anxiety but I never realized how bad it was. I gain 40 pounds from the mono and anxiety (I’m fat now) and now I have a lot of work ahead of me. Going to the gym and yoga is in my future.

I had to go LOA from my job and had to drop out for spring semester. It’s been a really hard time for me. I've been home with my parents for a month going to multiple doctors. I couldn't have gotten through it if it wasn't for my two best friends up here, Marco and Chloe, and my two best friends down at school, Mariah and Erin. But best of all my Fiancé was there for me every single day. Phone call and texting and even coming up to see me.

I know this was short but I thought I might as well post since I haven’t posted in a year. And sorry it's not the best post, I know I could've said much more and said it better but oh well. 

Have a great 2013! 

Pushing On

Hello readers. I hope you all are going through life well. Sorry I haven’t posted in so long. This post has just taken me a while. So a few posts ago I shared my story with you and I've had people ask me to go into more depth of what happened and how I’m handing it. Don’t worry, it’s not horrible depth. If you haven't read my Little Girls and Stereotypes post i suggest you read it Here before you read on so you are not confused. I decided to do this because hopefully one day a girl or a guy will read this and have the courage and strength to push through just like I have. So here we go.

I already told you about how I was bullied and all that so I’ll start this October 2010. Beginning of October I found out that my bully had a wired kind of crush on me. I was scared but I always give everyone chances with friendship so why shouldn’t I give him a chance at taking me to homecoming (which he asked me to). He asked me two weeks before homecoming and I was all ready. I was going to wear a dress I wore to sweethearts. In that week we started hanging out a lot. We even stayed up super late a few nights just talking on the phone… or me listening to him talk mostly. I knew he was sort of narcissistic but like I said, everyone gets chances. He was sweetish to me and it was going great. Just a couple of days before the homecoming dance he called it off and said we should just go to a movie instead. He didn’t want to go to the dance because he didn’t know anyone else that was going and so it wouldn’t be fun just the two of us. I was upset but we just went to a movie.

You: “Didn’t you figure out then there was something up or even think because he was a narcissist there was a problem?”

Me: “I was naïve and didn’t think it was really a big deal. He seemed nice to me and well, I was just excited that a guy actually liked me for once… I just didn’t know it was fake.”

We went on a few dates after homecoming, I had to pay for all but I had a job and was used to paying for friends when we went out and did fun things. I didn’t see the harm in this, but I was really being used.

He would take me to this parking lot and we’d mostly talk but after a couple of times he would ask for sex. I said “No” many times but he’d always push. One night after we went to a haunted house he was pressing the sex issue again and again I said “No.” he then told me “That’s all you say. We’ve done things you wanted to do, so why can’t we do something I want.” This took me back. I was trying to find the words to say no again but to make it seem like I wasn’t a bad person. That thinking is what gave him his chance.

He manipulated me like that and even worse times after that from buying his tickets for movies and stuff to having his way with me. I tried escaping once or twice and I learned quickly that I couldn’t. He would choke me and pin me down.

I blamed myself for it all. He made me feel like it was my entire fault and it was me who wanted it all. I was naïve and gullible and he was a master at manipulation.

A week after I moved away to college I was sexually harassed. I was lucky to get out before things got too bad but it was bad enough. A few months after I found out my friend was sexually harassed by the same guy and our mutual friend knew another girl who was as well. The tree of us got together and told someone. It was hard who to find who to tell but after much digging we told the right person and they took care of everything. I did blame myself even after I knew he did it to others.

Truthfully, I still blame myself sometimes. But I lived and I’m living life. I hear stories of people who go through this horrible situation and don’t survive physically or mentally. It takes a huge toll on one’s psyche and I’m grateful that even though I’ve been going through a small case of PTSD and other things, I’m able to sit here at my computer and share my story so I can, hopefully, help others out there.

I’m the type of person who I try not to let anyone see me cry even those two guys. Some say that’s strong. I don’t think so. I know that’s just my way of staying safe. I still have nightmares, some worse than others. When I see that kid on campus I can’t breathe and always have the urge to run away. I have horrible self esteem and barely any confidence. But I’m living.

I live for me. I made a decision that I wouldn’t let two Guys who did me wrong rule my life forever. I am going to follow all my dreams whatever they may be. This is my way of showing them they don’t control me and never did. This is my way of moving on. I live and learn.

My advice to anyone who has had this happen to them is this:

• ·         Don’t let the person(s) who wronged you rule you’re life. Find something to hold on to and something to strive for and go for it. It can be anything. Focus on one goal at a time.
• ·         Get some help. Yes, I said that. I go to a counselor. They do actually help even if you don’t talk about that situation specifically. They help you by listening and giving their advice if you would like it.
• ·         Talk to a trusted friend or family member and know they are there for you. If you don’t think you have anyone I just want you to know you have me. I’m not a professional or anything, but I've experienced hell and I’m here for anyone who needs a friend.
• ·         Don’t give up. You have the strength to push on whether you believe me or not.

This is my message. I wish you all a great life and I shall see you the next time I have time to post. Until then I bid you all Adieu. 

Little Girls and Stereotypes

There are a lot of stereotypes people have about people that have different experiences than them. I’ve noticed that a lot of people look down on people who were Bullied as kids, who have a low income, who are a different race, who are a single parent and people who are raped. I’m going to share a story with you that may make you think differently about two of these types of people if not all.

Ever since Elementary School a little girl was bullied. She would go home crying every day. She thought that going to a new school could help her make new friends. She went to Jr. High, a brand new school. The bullying got worse. She would be in the office every day because she couldn’t stand being in class being laughed at because she would answer the teachers questions. She would even be suspended multiple times for being a “nuisance to others.” She would be jumped after school and threatened every day. After two years she begged her mom to switch schools. She was accepted into a Charter School, her blessing for her problem. She moved onto that new school for the next four years. Sadly she was still bullied for the next 3 ½ years in a different way, but bullied all the same. She was called stupid and her “Friends” used her until they were done and threw her away like a piece of trash. Through all of this she still stayed happy and confident in her future and focused on everything to make it where she wanted to be. She thought things couldn’t get worse, until the beginning of her Senior Year. At the beginning of her senior year, a boy who bullied her in Jr. High and who went to her High School raped her. She told no one. Her High School had a total of about 400 students for all four grades and she figured if she told anyone it would create more trouble than it would solve. She kept her mouth shut and didn’t say anything. Two months later it happened again by the same boy. After the second one she told her two best friends. The girl best friend got jealous of her and even created more drama for their friendship. By the end of the next month they were no longer friends. The boy best friend comforted the girl and helped her through it. The girl blamed herself for it all and even tried to convince herself that it wasn’t rape because she could’ve stopped it. 8 months later the girl left to college. In 10 months, that boy raped her 7 times. Every time she could not avoid it or get out. That girl never let anyone know she was hurting inside and dying from the inside out. She showed the world the confident girl she wished she would be. No one knew but her one guy best friend and a few other friends she came to trust. The first week of college she was excited to be on her own doing something with her life and away from the pain of her past. That escape of pain didn’t last long. In her first week of college she was sexually harassed. She started going through PTSD from her rapes and her sexual harassment. She’s been going to counseling and getting over it. The best thing about this story isn’t her pain or the sad life she had. No, it’s about how she lives her life. No one would know she would be carrying around this pain unless she told them because she lived life happily. She has a smile on every day and goes to class to learn and make something of her life. Of course there isn’t a day in her life that she isn’t reminded of her pain but she pushes it away because she’s better then what someone did to her. People will say she’s so strong or so brave, but she doesn’t think so. She is the only one who feel her pain so strongly that she could burst into tears any second, but she doesn’t. She lives life as normally as she can. And she is happy.

I am that girl.

Yes. This is my story. If I didn’t tell you would you have known? I don’t think so. I don’t let my pain take me over. Of course I am the person I am today because of my experiences. I have test anxiety because I was made fun of for knowing the right answer in Jr. High. If someone asks me a question straight up, I can’t answer it. I freeze. I have a class where we need to talk about what we learned by reading our textbook. Every time I try to talk or want to I freeze. When teachers ask me questions, I freeze and it’s so embarrassing, but it’s just something I deal with.
I've gone though heart break and used to people treating me wonderfully then turned out to be not worth it. I've experienced hurt from a guy like every other teenage girl and I've done stupid crazy stuff like any college student. I'm normal just like you, just with different experiences. Right now I'm dealing with guy troubles and last week I dealt with drama like everyone else has. I'm no different and I hate how people will treat me differently after they find out. They do it even if they don't notice it or mean to. I'm used to it, but know I hate it almost as much as I hate being called only cute and nothing else. 

I know that a lot of people that have had the same experiences I’ve had act differently, but that’s because they are different people than I am. People deal with things differently and no one really knows a person’s story unless that person shares their story and the listener listens and accepts it. The thing that bugs me is when these stereotypes shape how a person thinks of another person. I’m not going to preach on how you shouldn’t judge people but I want you to think of my story and how I am as a person or what you know from my blog. I want you to ponder how you associate a word to an image you get in your mind. Here, let us try:

Rape

Bully

Adultery

Slut

Fat

Stupid

Nerd

Gamer

Jock

Now think of the people you associated with those words. What are their stories? Find out. It might just change your mind about stereotypes.

Have a fabulous day and I’ll blog again when I have time. :)
P.S.
A special thanks to all my friends that have helped me and stuck by me though it all. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. I will try the rest of my life trying to show you how much you mean to me. 

A Very Shower Friendship

Hi peoples!

So I haven’t written in quite a while but don’t fret, I’m still alive.

You all know how I was sad I couldn’t go home for Christmas, but guess what! I’m typing this from my living room! Ok, my mom’s living room, but it’s home to me. Being home just takes so much stress away, adds some too, but takes away the old stress.

One of my favorite things to do when I’m home is of course hang with my best friend, Shower. Me and shower, like always, were happy to see each other than went out in the world to cause some chaos. Ok, we didn’t cause TONS of chaos right off. We went to see Mission Impossible (which is a really good movie) and then we went to Beans and Brews (the best coffee place EVER! Way better than Starbucks.) and just talked. We talked about life, friends, and just general stuff that came up. I realized in that coffee shop, sitting by my best friend in the whole world, that it doesn’t really matter what others think of me because they don’t know me. Shower knows me almost as well as my own mom (or even more). Being back with him just feels right. We started talking about religion and how I’m getting back into the religion I grew up with, with a few exceptions of course. I don’t agree with some of the teachings within the religion, but that doesn’t make me a bad person or a bad (insert whatever religion you think I am). A lot of religious people, not just certain groups, are very judgmental. I’ve seen it in many types of religions. If someone isn’t doing EXACTLY what the teachings say to do than they’re looked down on. Me and Shower just talked about what we believe and that nothing that anyone else thinks matters in that area. Be true to yourself and your beliefs but also be courteous to other’s.

That was my inspirational message for this post. So me and Shower also talked about friends. I sort of lost a bunch of friends right before Christmas and it sucked. My last blog post did offend a few friends and for that I feel horrible. Anywho, so me and shower were talking about past friends and current friends. I’ve always known that I have a lot of trouble with friends but I realized recently that at the beginning of a semester and at the end I always have a rougher time with friends. I think it might be my stress levels going out of control so I don’t see harm I’m causing people. I’m going to have to work on that but for now I’m going to stick with the friends like Shower who are there with me through thick and thin. Don’t get me wrong. I still care DEEPLY about my friends I’m having problems with. I think these past few weeks away from each other will do us a TON of good. Being with each other every day without a break has worn our friendships very thin. I hope that everything is cooled down after we get back and we can still be friends. But anyways, back to what I was saying about Shower. We have known each other for about four and a half years. Being friends that long takes a lot on both parts. I remember I would get mad at him for things he did all the time and vice versa. The two things that kept our friendship together has to be communication and having the willingness to put up with each other. I have the capability to put up with a LOT of stuff and weirdness with people. People usually can’t put up with me. That’s not a bad thing at all! I don’t even blame them! I’m really hard to put up with. But that’s why I know that Shower and I have a great friendship. We know each other well enough to know how to put up with each other in a fun way and stay friends at the same time.

I’ve also noticed with Shower and I that when we have fights or arguments or are just tired of each other that our friendship will grow stronger after. I guess every good friendship needs a few fights or it’s not true! Me and Shower’s relationship used to be like a sin and cos graph (for all you math people who knows what I’m talking about YAY!). Look at the image below…

So I’m the red and Shower’s the green.  The up arches are we’re ok with each other, the down arches are we aren’t so ok with each other. See the stars? That’s when we hit together and are good and that’s usually when we had our best times. Things aren’t like that so much anymore. I live out of our home town now so we don’t get to see each other much anymore. When we do we’re just fine and want to spend as much time together as possible! Tomorrow we have another fun day planned. I’m leaving on Thursday (two days from now) hopefully (depending on when my car’s fixed) and with only one day left until the next time we see each other, it’s going to be an epic adventure (like always)!

So back to the coffee shop where we were talking. While we were talking I realized something, I can’t live without Shower. I can’t imagine my life without shower in it! I have fun pranks I’m going to play on him when we each are married and have a family and he has plans too; but this goes deeper than that. I truly love my best friend Shower more than anything else! He means so much to me I’d be lost without him. It’s going to suck not seeing him for a few months but I know he’ll be there for me whenever I need him.

So that’s my post for today. Can’t wait to go home (I have fun plans! ;D ) but am also going to be sad to leave here! I’ll post when I’m in my little town again! Have a most Wonderful day filled with fun and love! <3 

Respect is Forgotten.

Before I begin, I would like to say WOW! I didn’t think that many people would read this. What’s even more surprising is the people reading from other countries SO….

For the reader’s in Russia, Спасибо за чтение!

For the reader’s in Germany, Danke fürs Lesen!

For those of you in Bulgaria, Благодаря за четене!

For you in Taiwan, 多 谢 

And you in the UK, Thank You!

You all in US, Thanks!

(for the record, I put this into Google Translate so if it’s wrong or looks wired… SORRY!)

You: “That was so considerate of you to do that!”

Me: “Oh why thank you! That’s actually the topic of today. Considerate People.”

(I’m not conceded, I just wanted to tie in my Thank You’s with my topic.)

So I’ve noticed lately that there are a TON of people that are not very considerate of others. I work at a Store as a cashier and the people there can be scary! Some people just want someone to yell at when they do something wrong. It’s my job and personality to just smile and try to make things right and I do think “Oh, They must be having a bad day. Sad!” but when I see the same people doing it over and over multiple days it gets me thinking why do they do that? The world doesn’t revolve around them!

Don’t get me wrong, not everyone’s like that! I get SO many people that talk to me and smile and I’ve had a ton of people say “Thanks for smiling and being so friendly.” This makes me so happy when people say that. I don’t just “Act” that way, that’s just the way I am and lately a lot of people have noticed it. I have people come to only my line now when they see me. This one couple waited behind three people with 5 cart loads of stuff in total just to go to me. That makes me feel good. I realized they come to me not only caus I smile and am fast, but also because I’m considerate and respectful. And this isn’t just me thinking this. People have told me.

Please give me a moment to smile on this fact… :D

Anyways, moving on.

I truly believe I’m this way because of my personality and the way I was raised.

I was raised really well even though sometimes I’m embarrassed to admit it. My mom was somewhat over protective but it did benefit me somewhat. I knew that if I did something utterly stupid and disrespectful that I would be in tremendous trouble. So I wasn’t stupid or disrespectful. So now I’m in college and have a lot of respect for people, their things and pretty much everything in general!

Sometimes I have to be mean when other people are being disrespectful. Like last night! Ok, STORYTIME!

So the last few nights I’ve gotten NO sleep at all because people would be super loud in my apartment. Ok, even when I sleep I don’t sleep well but I still need that bit of sleep. Thursday night it was quiet but I slept on the couch caus I just couldn’t sleep in my room because of something not “bad.” Friday night people were loud and up really late laughing. Saturday night there was people from Las Vegas visiting my roommate and they were staying in my apartment (I was just told they were).

You: “Why were you trying to sleep instead of being with them?”

Me: “Oh ya! Forgot that part. Ok, I have WORK all day the next day.”

So I’ve been working a full time job the last few weeks plus being a full time student plus trying to study for finals.

You: “Why didn’t you ask them to be quiet?”

Me: “I asked nicely many, many times. I even texted someone at four in the morning to remind them.”

So, back to the story. So yesterday, Sunday, I was super tired all day. I have no idea how I even functioned working all day, but I did. So When I got home I told everyone to please be quiet so I could go to bed because I had finals in the morning (My finals were the earliest caus I have a really early class, earlier than anyone else’s). I even got really mad and threatened to kick people out of my apartment if they were loud. They were loud. There’s a thing you should know about me, I do what I say I will do.

So they were really mad when I kicked them out but I did. I needed sleep!

So respect. They’re my friends and they of all people should respect me and my needs. They should at least try to understand my needs as well. For a lot of my friends that’s not the case. I shouldn’t have had to ever asked them again and again to be respectful and be a bit quieter. One friend even said “you’re other roommate’s found ways to deal. They put in headphones and such.” Ok, do you see what’s wrong with this?! They shouldn’t HAVE to deal! They live there! They pay rent to sleep there! You should respect them because you are in THEIR apartment! This made me super mad! Headphones will usually fall out of my ears if I sleep with them. Yes I’ve tried.

I was really mean about it but I was tired and so I was a bit cranky. Truthfully, again they kinda pushed me overboard. I still feel bad but it had to be done.

You:  “Was it worth it? Did you do well on your final.”

Me: “Yup! Aced it!”

Yes I know my grade already. Anyways, back to my angry blog (I feel bad my blog seems so angry and full of things that annoy me but this is how I express myself as of late).

It’s surprising how many people are so inconsiderate in college! I see people all around campus and wonder what this world is coming to! Why can’t people start thinking about other people other than themselves? I don’t understand how people only want to have fun and things go their way. Sure I’d like if some things did go my way but when they don’t I’m not upset. I was raised to have a lot of respect for others and think how my actions would affect others as well. Obviously some other people wasn’t. This saddens me.

So I’ve decided to take a new route in life. I’m going to still be considerate but if there’s something that needs to change so that I can actually function, it’s going to. Wither that be getting sleep or homework done, having alone time, whatever. It’s going to happen. If people don’t appreciate me or give me the respect I deserve than they don’t have to be in my life. As hard as this will be for me I’m willing to try for my own sanity (if there’s any left) and own good.  I wonder how this will turn out… Knowing me, Badly.

This is my only option right now. Last week I got so fed up with everything I was about to leave and not tell anyone. My Best Friend, Shower, talked me out of it. Shower agrees that people are being stupid. I’ve noticed the group I have been with lately is very… weird. If someone says something wrong or even looks at someone wrong it sparks a fight. Seriously people! Grow up! We’re all adults here and should act like ones! I know that I still have some growing up to do but I’ve been acting more like an adult then a lot of people I’ve noticed.

So I’m sitting here with my new pillow pet watching Tangled and eating Mac & Cheese about to get ready for work. Thanks for Reading y’all! Have a most WONDERFUL Evening… or Day whenever you read this! :) See ya!

This is just... ME!

The way a person thinks is what makes said person who they are. Those thoughts are what make a person act the way they do. Not everyone thinks the same way and sometimes a person will come across another person who has a new way of thinking that they haven’t come across before. When this happens the first person has two options; to either try and understand the other person or think the way they think is the only right way to think. It’s up to them and either option can cause problems.

I’ve been told I have a very… weird way of thinking.

You: “You’re telling me! I read your post about Classifying! See It’s right here!  à  Click!

That was kinda wired...”

Me: “Yes. And it gets even deeper and possibly more buzzard.”

You: “How so?”

Me: “Humm… Well I shall tell you!”

I am now going to explain a bit about how I think and view the world!

So how to start. I guess I shall start by saying the one thing that comes up the most.

The word “Should.”

I say this word a lot and have tried not but it just happens. When I say “hey, we Should do bleh…” or “You Should bleh…” It’s me making a suggestion. I couldn’t care less if the thing happens or not and it’s just an option. This has gotten me in trouble a lot and I’ve been trying so hard not to say it but I have all my life and it’s something that just can’t change overnight. Sorry if this bugs you, this is just me. I will try working on it. If I say “Should” and you say “nah, I don’t think so” I’ll be ok and just say “Ok, what other options are there?” or something like that. I should move on.

You: “Ah… let’s not.”

Me: “Ok. I can write about something else.”

You: “NO! I was joking! I want to hear more! DUH! This is why I’m reading this!”

Me: “You sure?”

You: “Absolutely! I was only kidding!”

Me: *chuckle* “Ok. I shall move continue.”

Anyways. So next piece of business. I’m going to share a bit about how I view the world and people. I truly think people are pure hearted and have pure intentions. I believe people want to make other people happy and  avoid any sort of conflict. Ok, I know and understand that’s not the way the world works. But no matter how much I understand that and know that’s not how the people really think, I just can’t stop what I believe. I believe there is good in every living thing. Ok, not every living thing. I think there is a few really bad people in the world who are truly evil. I think they corrupt others and that’s why other’s do really bad things. I think the reason they do that is because they believe in what they were doing! I think people don’t mean to hurt others. They just do things because maybe they’re having a bad day, week, year, etc. Maybe it’s how they think. It’s probably just how they act and don’t mean to offend other’s or hurt them. I’m hard to offend because I always think that person didn’t mean to be rude.

You: “Ah… how has this worked out for you???”

Me: “Sadly… horribly.”

Yes this hasn’t worked out for me well and usually it ends up with people manipulating me, taking advantage etc. I’m used to it. It sucks but I can’t think any other way. I think it’s because I try to make everyone happy and hate to hurt others and make them unhappy because of my actions/doings. I don’t mean to do anything wrong/bad and when I did and it really was my fault I’ll do anything to make it better. I like peace. I do things to make people happy and that’s my purpose in life. I don’t care, it’s just challenges I have to work through.

The only time people can really hurt me or make me mad is when they do something that upsets me that was intentional. This has happened about 3 times. Usually when people upset me I figure they didn’t mean to and even though it may annoy me or hurt me I forgive them. Sometimes I feel the need to talk to said person and work things out and it usually turns out well, if they listen and see my side. I do my best to understand other people and accept their side of things even if I don’t understand it. Problems arise when they won’t give me the chance to give my side or even try and accept my side or try to understand it. I feel like I go 80% in friendships sometimes because I don’t think people really try to see my side of things.

I make mistakes. I do. Everyone does. When other people make mistakes I understand but it sometimes feels when I make mistakes that people take it harder than they should. I am an OCD, Organization Freak with a little perfectionism; a LITTLE. That is directed toward actions in school. I’m not perfect and I know I’m not. I do try be the perfect me and do the best I can. But it seems because I hold myself to a high standard that everyone else expect me to be perfect and when I fail at something some people look down on me. This isn’t just in my head. People have told me that when I fail or make a mistake it makes them think different of me. I have messed up a few times and tried to fix it. I was told “you’re the perfect one and you made the mistake. You’re not perfect anymore. You can’t fix it and I don’t see you the same anymore. We can’t be friends anymore.” That’s just what one person said. I’ve heard it all. I know six people who have defriended me because of a mistake the “Perfect One” made.

I think rationally about everything. I try to make sense of everything that happens to me and other people. I understand this isn’t a really… Good thing to do but again, this is how my mind works. I try to rationalize everything I do too. I feel like my mind is a textbook. I love reading and learning. I love figuring things out and observing. This is what I do. Again, you read the Classifying People post (which people have to keep in mind that’s just a brief overview and there’s a LOT more to people than what I described) you probably understand the textbook part of this!

I also believe I may have higher morals/values than some people. It bugs me SO much when I’m at a Concert, a Movie, a Performance etc. and people are being so disrespectful. I go to things because I WANT to, not because I have to. If I didn’t want to go to something I wouldn’t. I don’t go to play games on my ZUNE, or listen to music on my ZUNE, or text, or sleep, or talk to people, or put my feet over chairs, or mess with friends or just be rude. I go to watch, listen, observe, support, and enjoy. When I’m performing I want people to watch me, support me and appreciate my hard work that I did so people could enjoy what I’m doing. I’ve been on stage MANY times wither it be a Band performance, a play, a dance competition etc. and I HATE it when I look out to the audience and people are being disrespectful. Why are you there?! Did someone make you go? Are you there to support someone on stage? Do you like what you are going to? There’s many reasons why a person goes to things. I don’t think it’s anything from the list of disrespectful things. If it was then leave. I’d rather someone walk out and leave during my performance instead of staying and acting bored and not caring about what’s happening on stage. Because of this I actually watch what’s going on on stage. I sit up straight legs crossed, listen, watch, enjoy and smile. I’m there to enjoy, not sleep. I don’t like hearing a conversation that’s not in the movie or performance. Watching a movie at home is different but if I pay $8.50 for something or any kind of money for something I want to get everything out of it I can.

Ok, so another kind of moral/value I have has to do with people in a relationship. If I’m in a group of friends I want to be with all of them. I don’t appreciate watching someone make out and only pay attention to each other. If you want to do that or be alone, you can leave! I would love if you stayed and hung out but I DON’T want to try and talk to you or include you and you ignore it and then come to me asking why I didn’t talk to you that much that day caus I did, you just didn’t want it then. You can’t have me and them at the same time unless you allow it.

You: “Didn’t you have a post about this?”

Me: “Yup. Twas my first one. Want to read it again? Here it is!” à  :P

Again. This is my opinion. If I offend anyone I’m sorry. This is me. IDK how you see it and you should explain it to me caus I’d Love to know! :D

There is a lot of other things I could say about how my mind works or what I think but I don’t want the world knowing everything. ;D Thanks for reading and hopefully you all understand that you need to get out of your own state of mind and get to know others and see their side as well. If everyone tried a little harder to understand others I really do think a big picture will form and possibly people can become wiser and maybe people’s lives will be less conflicted. I live to try and understand other people. Maybe that’s my textbook mind or whatever, but I’m not going to change any time soon. 

The Hard Times With Friends.

Throughout my life, I have witnessed a lot and with this, I’ve learned that people come and go. Some people are less mature than you are and can’t see the wisdom and experience you have so you have to suggest things then watch them crash and burn and learn the way you have. Some people are more mature and have more wisdom than you and you can take their advice and see their point but you still have to crash and burn to gain their knowledge. I’ve lived through pain and have learned a lot about people and friendships. I’m still not a master and still screw up all the time. I’ve noticed I have two weak points in life, Spelling and Friends. At least there’s spell check for my one weak point. Friends is harder to deal with. Ever person is different. Some people are able to have so many friends and be happy. I’m so jealous of them. They just have a knack for people. I don’t. So Story time!

You: YAY! I love stories!

Me: It’s Kinda depressing. Hold on tight and be prepared.

Before I begin. This isn’t a feel bad for me post. It’s a learning and understanding post and something to type up caus I think I just need to see things on paper, or in this case on screen.

So I was bullied a lot as a child. I started getting a few friends in Jr. High but they ended up being people who just used me and then would bully me more caus they knew more about me so they could hurt me more. High School seemed the same for the first two years. I finally got a really good friend right before Jr. Year. We did everything together and I thought we were great together. In January she was going through a hard time and she ended up changing schools. I knew while we were friends I was kinda like her… Bitch is a good word. I did everything for her but I enjoyed it. She was my Best Friend (besides my main best friend who I’ll talk about later). When she left she knew just the right words to hurt me and she said them. I found myself alone once again but with the pain she left me. I don’t blame her. I know she was hurt and she probably just lashed out but it doesn’t make the pain any less. I learned a lot from her but I’m also sad she’s not a part of my life anymore but painful memories.

After the first girl was gone another girl was there who swooped in a few weeks later and sorta “rescued” me from my pain. We were great friends. I kinda had to change for this friend but I did it because I’m kinda dumb and do what people tell me to (not so much anymore). I ended up being a mini her. I realized it and stopped and she got upset. She tried turning all my friends against me and it worked for a few days. It ended up backfiring on her and she lost many friends. I feel so bad about it but I wasn’t about to let myself lose everything I had. I still lost an amazing friend and another in the process. She hurt me and I am sad we can’t be friends and I still have pain from it. I learned a lot from the loss of this friendship.

I was torn up for weeks from these two instances. I still kinda am but I’ve forgiven, moved on and learned.

You: So who’s you’re best friend who you said you’d mention.

Me: Oh yes!

So my best friend EVA… let’s call him (yes him)…………Shower (Don’t ask…).

So Shower's and mine’s friendship is a very strange one. After 3 years of stubbornness on my part to be friends we became super close and the best of friends. The wired thing is me and shower are total opposites! He will make me mad a lot and he just doesn’t care. I love him anyways. We say we’re twins, which is kinda weird caus if you’ve seen us we SO don’t look ANYTHING alike. He’s my brother, my best friend forever. We get along because we put up with each other and can see each other's point and are both at the same maturity level. Ok, I'll admit when we're together we don't ACT mature but we are. I hate acting mature but I am. Actually, I'm more mature than a lot of the people I associate with. But this is what helps our friendship. We both know how to be childish and have fun but we know what's appropriate. 

I made other really good friends too like….. let’s call them Cholle, Fishy and Chicken…. I miss them! I miss them so much! They are the ones who I can always rely on and trust. They're all back in my home town and I'm four hours away. It is so hard to be away from the people who you love and can trust. Lately I feel like my life is like this song. Not exactly but close. Mainly the chorus.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmoDEdDByZk&feature=artist

Anywho, so now I’m in college with new friends and everything’s turning to hell. So moral of this story/blog is I suck at friendships. I love my friends and want to keep them but I’m starting to realize I have to let some people go. Growing up is hard and I need to remember not everyone knows what I know and there’s others who know more. Everyone needs to accept this I think. I just need to “Hold on, there’s better day’s around the bend.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3_ukhHQSjc

This is the song that I’ve been listening to lately along with We are One from Lion King 2 and others.
So the point of this is I've decided to look at what I'm doing in life now and with friends, reevaluate and work on what i want to be and who I want to become. Sadly this is going to be a big change for me (and if you've read previous posts, change is hard especially when it involves friends) and it's going to take time to switch and probably going to drive me more crazy than I currently am. Yay! 

Have a most wonderful night... or day, whenever you read this. Chou! 

Link, Lion King, Mountain Dew and Fuzzy Socks

Ok, so I told everyone my next blog was going to be about Backstreet Boys vs. NSYNC. Well it’s not. This may seem stupid but I’m going to blog about the things I love and that make me, well, ME! I’m not going to name all of it and I’m only going to off shoot on a few things. If you don’t read all of it I won’t be offended. Heck! IDK if that many people even read this in the first place unless it’s my friends and I tell them OR I read it to them (Yes I do that). Plus I put pictures in this time! So without further ado…

Some things I LOVE!

(In no particular order)

• My Friends and Family- People are worth more to me than anything else. I could lose everything but as long as I have people I’m still happy. When I lose a friend I get so depressed and can’t stand it.
• My Charm Necklace- It takes a lot for a person’s charm to be placed by my heart and some charms are even taken off. I’m happy to say I now have 3 charms representing 3ish people/groups.
• Ruffles Chips
• Cheez-it’s
• Music- I’m a Musicholic! I love music, all genres. I have so much on my computer and it’s still not enough.
• Movies- Many different kinds.
• Books
• Singing- I’ve been told I can’t sing well and kinda believe it, but that never stops me. Singing makes me happy wither I’m just bursting out in song alone or in front of friends.
• Dancing- I can dance wellish. I rarely show people me dancing but I love it none the less. I usually will dance alone in my room blasting music. I probably just look idiotic when I dance but oh well.
• Pajama Pants
• Cookie Monster

• Tank Tops
• Long Sleeve Shirts
• Jackets
• Art
• Monkeys
• Penguins

• Koala Bears

• Acting
• Zelda Games- I have the new one and it’s pretty good, except Link’s right handed which is WRONG!

• 
  
• Bon Jovi- My Favorite artist. My Favorite song of ALL time is Livin’ on a Prayer.
• Writing Music- I write lyrics for songs but they usually are horrible and just sit in notebooks in boxes at my parents’ house. Some are a little better than others but they’re not sharing worthy. I sometimes have tunes in my head when I write them but I never do anything with them. I still love writing them.
• Pirates!- I’m a Pirate fanatic! I love the history. Just a wired perk that I have and I don’t go around all the time sharing my knowledge but when I get to I love it. (Black Bart Roberts AKA black Beard Sketch Below)

• Coloring- Yes. I love to color. I have 3 big coloring page books in my apartment right now with a 96 set of crayons and a 120 set both with sharpeners. Childish? I don’t think so. Those kids couldn’t handle that many crayons!
• Lion King

• Playing the Piano- I was really good when I was younger then I stopped playing for a while. I never learned how to read music so now I'm teaching myself. I'm getting better and I can't wait to play like I did. I also play the Clarinet. I always wanted to go onto Sax after but I kinda stopped playing because I hated my band teacher and never did band again. I'm trying to teach myself how to play the guitar now but it's hard. :P 
• Quest for Camelot
• Harry Potter
• Star Wars

• Transformers- Ok, not the new movies. The movies are a ok take on the awesome cartoons but they are nowhere close to as good as my favorite childhood show! My favorite is Iornhide. I have an OLD Iornhide transformer figuring that really transforms!  
• Iornhide

• Taking Pictures- I want to Minor in Photography
• Mulan
• Hercules- Yes I like the Disney Movie. It’s a good story even though it’s SO inaccurate.
• Greek Mythology
• Rain- Warm, Summer, Smell good rain is my Favorite EVER!
• Cookies
• Stuffed Animals- They have to be cute ;D
• My Class Ring- It’s on my finger every day
• My Dog- I miss Cole :’( (not a picture of my real dog but same breed- Miniature Schnauzer)

• Backstreet Boys
• Fall
• My Car
• My Pet Fish Mary Elizabeth- Who is now living at my Best Friends’ house since It’s a 4 hour car dive away and I don’t think she’d live through the drive.
• My Computer
• My Zune
• My College
• Mountain Dew

• Fun Adventures
• Surprising My Friends- I love doing Ninja stuff for my friends and making them smile.
• Baking
• Fuzzy Socks
• Toe Socks- I have some fuzzy, toe socks with penguins on them!!!!
• Long Hair- And if you know me you KNOW how long my hair is.

I should stop here before this gets too boring for you all! Thanks for Reading. And don’t worry. I’m still going to do the Backstreet Boys vs. NSYNC blog, I just don’t know how long it will be.Have a most glorious day everyone!!!!

Classifying People

Classifying People

I’ve noticed that there are about 4 different type of people in the world:

The people who give without wanting anything in return. They’re the ones who end up doing so much for others because they enjoy it and want other people to be happy. It seems that their purpose in life is making others happy. They want everyone around them happy and then they can be happy as well. They are used quite a bit and end up somewhat depressed sometime in their life. Let’s call these people Lovers.

The people who take advantage of the lovers. They use them for all their worth. These people are manipulative and greedy. They only care about themselves and think the world revolves around them. They are controlling and need to have everything that happens to them under their control. They are also judgmental and look down on others. For the sake of this Blog we shall call them Narcissists.

The people who are just “normal.” These people will use the lovers when needed and just take what they give. These people will do things for others and may say it’s out of the goodness of their heart and don’t want anything in return but in reality they want something weather it is appreciation or good luck or anything else you can think of. These people will also manipulate others but not as much as a narcissist would. These people end up going with the flow but also like to know what’s going on in their lives so they can control it to an extent. They do what is needed of them and usually nothing more. They care about others but also care about themselves more and end up being judgmental but not to the extent of the Narcissist. They are good people but have hidden darkness in their lives and their mind. Let’s call these people Fred.

The people who really truly don’t care at all. These people usually just go with the flow. They don’t care what happens to them and what they end up doing. They want people to make decisions for them because they can’t think for themselves. These people will sometimes bounce back and forth between the other 3 but will usually stay a Robot.

Did you feel like you just read a Psychology theory? Sorry. I’m a psych major and this is the way I think. Isn’t that what I said this blog is kinda about? My view on the world? If you get offended sorry. This is just me. Everyone sees the world different.

Anyways, back to my psychological theory of people. I believe people can fluctuate throughout the different classifications but have a main one they usually fall under. I’ve noticed most people fall under the Fred category.

You: “Why did you call it “Fred?” I understand the others but why that one?”

Me: “Very good question! I called it Fred because usually when people think of naming some random object they want to call it Bob or Fred. This is just a weird thing that people do. I did it because It’s used in society a lot and it seems to be the norm which Fred is the norm of classifications.”

Confused? Ok. Let me explain in a better way. When people say “What should I name this?” usually people think of the names Bob or Fred. I have no idea why but they do. The Fred classification is actually the classification most of the population (mainly the population/societies that I have been around to observe) fall under. Most people will fall under this classification and act the way described.

Again this is only what I think and what I have observed. This is how I see the world. None of this is actual concrete, psychologically proven fact. You may think I’m messed up and weird but oh well.

Anyways. Let’s go a little more in depth and I can give examples for each classification.

Lovers:

The names seems to speak for itself. These are the people who help others at any cost. These people seem to be very rare. These aren’t the people at Christmas giving away money or toys. Ok, they probably do but just because you see someone do that doesn’t mean they’re a lover. Around Christmas or in a time of crises the Fred’s will step up and be charitable but being a lover goes deeper then charity. Lovers are the ones who will do anything for a friend. They like to show people how much they care about them and will never think twice about it. They don’t want anything in return. These people will usually end up being used by others because the other classifications see the lovers as weak as if trying to buy friendship and love. That’s not the case. When a lover feels used it defeats the purpose of their kindness and love and the lover usually feels like they’ve lost everything. This isn’t hypocritical of them. These lovers feed off other people and friends. When their deeds are taken advantage of their purpose is corrupted and they end up having no more purpose and become depressed. On rare occasions the lover will never have to be used but more then not they will end up sad and depressed.

 Narcissists:

I hope everyone here knows what a narcissist is. If not I’m going to be SO kind and define it from Dictionary.com:  nar·cis·sist [nahr-suh-si st] noun. 1. A person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish. 2. Psychoanalysis- a person who suffers from narcissism, deriving erotic gratification from admiration of his or her own physical or mental attributes. There you have it! Hope you now see the connection in the classification and the name. These people are the ones that everyone usually hates (sadly) and have somewhat of a lonely life. These people only care about themselves and think everyone should adore them and they should be treated like gods. Now these aren’t the people who mess around and act this way. There’s a huge difference between messing around and actually falling under the narcissist category.

You: "How can you tell if they're joking or not? I don't think there's really a difference."

Me: "No there's a difference. I know people who fall under the narcissist classification and people who just mess around in that way. I can tell because the people who mess around have more traits of another classification and don't expect everyone just to love them."

Ya. that's right. The narcissist classification is a touchy one and it's hard to place people in. If people fall under this classification you'll know. They are hands down an example of the definition given.

Fred's:

These are most of the population (that I've witnessed). These people use others (unintentionally) to make their life good. The roll is also reversed. They are used by others as well for the same reason. The Fred's seem to function as a corrupt, well oiled machine. These people are just the norm of society. They take and give that it balances out. The Fred's will sometimes have a few other traits of a Lover of a Narcissist but will mainly stay in their own classification. They will sometimes seem like they have traits of a Robot, but that may just be because they're lazy which is not what a Robot is.

Robots:

These people aren't the couch potatoes that generally people think of. These people do get out and do things but it takes a lot of effort on others. These people seem to not care about most things and just let life happen around them. they will usually do the bare minimum for life to happen. These people will usually fluctuate between all four classifications on occasions but will still not care about what happens and will do only what is necessary for happiness. They will mainly stick with the Robot traits. 

So you're probably wondering where I fall. Well I'm not going to tell you! HA! I think I have an idea where I am but I'm not 100% sure. I can't observe my own behavior so maybe one day I'll ask someone to tell me. As you've probably noticed there's perks to each classification as well as downfalls. What can I say?! We're all humans and we all suck. I will admit that I've used this classification in my own life. I've classified my friends. Yes I do. What can I say? I'm a Psych Major! I observe my friends behavior to understand them more and their personality style. I'll even say things sometimes or set up situations just to see how they react. i think a lot of people do this but I'm just aware of it and open about it (I tend to be very blunt). We all want to know who is like us and who is different and how to behave around people and how to handle them. I'm glad that my friends classifications are nothing to worry about. I now just know how they function (and no I will not tell you where you fall). 

Again, this is NOT a tested theory. This is my mind working and how I see the world and people. Now try and guess your classification and your friends. ;D