Pushing On

Hello readers. I hope you all are going through life well. Sorry I haven’t posted in so long. This post has just taken me a while. So a few posts ago I shared my story with you and I've had people ask me to go into more depth of what happened and how I’m handing it. Don’t worry, it’s not horrible depth. If you haven't read my Little Girls and Stereotypes post i suggest you read it Here before you read on so you are not confused. I decided to do this because hopefully one day a girl or a guy will read this and have the courage and strength to push through just like I have. So here we go.

I already told you about how I was bullied and all that so I’ll start this October 2010. Beginning of October I found out that my bully had a wired kind of crush on me. I was scared but I always give everyone chances with friendship so why shouldn’t I give him a chance at taking me to homecoming (which he asked me to). He asked me two weeks before homecoming and I was all ready. I was going to wear a dress I wore to sweethearts. In that week we started hanging out a lot. We even stayed up super late a few nights just talking on the phone… or me listening to him talk mostly. I knew he was sort of narcissistic but like I said, everyone gets chances. He was sweetish to me and it was going great. Just a couple of days before the homecoming dance he called it off and said we should just go to a movie instead. He didn’t want to go to the dance because he didn’t know anyone else that was going and so it wouldn’t be fun just the two of us. I was upset but we just went to a movie.

You: “Didn’t you figure out then there was something up or even think because he was a narcissist there was a problem?”

Me: “I was naïve and didn’t think it was really a big deal. He seemed nice to me and well, I was just excited that a guy actually liked me for once… I just didn’t know it was fake.”

We went on a few dates after homecoming, I had to pay for all but I had a job and was used to paying for friends when we went out and did fun things. I didn’t see the harm in this, but I was really being used.

He would take me to this parking lot and we’d mostly talk but after a couple of times he would ask for sex. I said “No” many times but he’d always push. One night after we went to a haunted house he was pressing the sex issue again and again I said “No.” he then told me “That’s all you say. We’ve done things you wanted to do, so why can’t we do something I want.” This took me back. I was trying to find the words to say no again but to make it seem like I wasn’t a bad person. That thinking is what gave him his chance.

He manipulated me like that and even worse times after that from buying his tickets for movies and stuff to having his way with me. I tried escaping once or twice and I learned quickly that I couldn’t. He would choke me and pin me down.

I blamed myself for it all. He made me feel like it was my entire fault and it was me who wanted it all. I was naïve and gullible and he was a master at manipulation.

A week after I moved away to college I was sexually harassed. I was lucky to get out before things got too bad but it was bad enough. A few months after I found out my friend was sexually harassed by the same guy and our mutual friend knew another girl who was as well. The tree of us got together and told someone. It was hard who to find who to tell but after much digging we told the right person and they took care of everything. I did blame myself even after I knew he did it to others.

Truthfully, I still blame myself sometimes. But I lived and I’m living life. I hear stories of people who go through this horrible situation and don’t survive physically or mentally. It takes a huge toll on one’s psyche and I’m grateful that even though I’ve been going through a small case of PTSD and other things, I’m able to sit here at my computer and share my story so I can, hopefully, help others out there.

I’m the type of person who I try not to let anyone see me cry even those two guys. Some say that’s strong. I don’t think so. I know that’s just my way of staying safe. I still have nightmares, some worse than others. When I see that kid on campus I can’t breathe and always have the urge to run away. I have horrible self esteem and barely any confidence. But I’m living.

I live for me. I made a decision that I wouldn’t let two Guys who did me wrong rule my life forever. I am going to follow all my dreams whatever they may be. This is my way of showing them they don’t control me and never did. This is my way of moving on. I live and learn.

My advice to anyone who has had this happen to them is this:

• ·         Don’t let the person(s) who wronged you rule you’re life. Find something to hold on to and something to strive for and go for it. It can be anything. Focus on one goal at a time.
• ·         Get some help. Yes, I said that. I go to a counselor. They do actually help even if you don’t talk about that situation specifically. They help you by listening and giving their advice if you would like it.
• ·         Talk to a trusted friend or family member and know they are there for you. If you don’t think you have anyone I just want you to know you have me. I’m not a professional or anything, but I've experienced hell and I’m here for anyone who needs a friend.
• ·         Don’t give up. You have the strength to push on whether you believe me or not.

This is my message. I wish you all a great life and I shall see you the next time I have time to post. Until then I bid you all Adieu.