STRESS!

So I haven’t posted in a year. I haven’t had time or anything to really put in a whole post. So here’s an update…

I’M GETTING MARRIED!

Ah! I’m so excited!

I’m marrying my best friend and I couldn't be happier. He’s everything I ever wanted and never knew I wanted. He makes me whole. I never thought I could ever love anyone as much as I love him!

Ok, I won’t bore you with sappy details.

This wedding thing, we’re coming to find, is actually really easy. I got my dress in the first trip, we found our venue in one trip, I found my brides maids dresses, we know what our cake is going to look like etc! We seem to be having great luck with this wedding planning but I've come to realize the hardest thing about a wedding is… the new family!

Whooo. My soon to be in-laws are SO intimidating. For the people who know me, I don’t take crap from anyone. I am outspoken and fun. I’m confident and can be very scary if needed.

I don’t care what people think of me. I have no fear of public speaking and I’m so easy to talk to. Friends come to me for advice.

So why is this difficult for me? Because usually I don’t care what people think of me, but in this situation I do care.

My future brother in-law is a big worry. I have tried to talk to him and get to know him and he just dismisses me. When that happens to me in certain situations I go in to fight or flight mode… but I can’t open my mouth to fight without worrying about my appearance. So I shut up and sit back. It’s so unlike me but I know where it comes from.

If you haven’t yet read Little Girls and Stereotypes and Pushing On, please do before you read on.

So you've read it? Good.

So those experiences made me confident and feisty. But I do fear people like I did in the past. I have this fear of being looked down on. This is a real struggle for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I've tried to get to know him but he isn't taking.

Oh well.

So…. I hate to admit it but I've come to realize recently I’m a perfectionist. Not full on EVERY SINGLE THING has to be perfect, but everything in myself has to be perfect. Everything I do, say, look has to be perfect. Again I fear this being looked down upon or this unacceptance. To me if I’m not accepted there’s room for being bullied. Silly I know, but it’s what I fear.

With this perfectionist personality comes much anxiety.

It’s the end of January now, at the end of November I started getting really sick. I got worse and started having a lot of problems. I ended having mono, hypoglycemia and panic attacks. I’ve always had anxiety but I never realized how bad it was. I gain 40 pounds from the mono and anxiety (I’m fat now) and now I have a lot of work ahead of me. Going to the gym and yoga is in my future.

I had to go LOA from my job and had to drop out for spring semester. It’s been a really hard time for me. I've been home with my parents for a month going to multiple doctors. I couldn't have gotten through it if it wasn't for my two best friends up here, Marco and Chloe, and my two best friends down at school, Mariah and Erin. But best of all my Fiancé was there for me every single day. Phone call and texting and even coming up to see me.

I know this was short but I thought I might as well post since I haven’t posted in a year. And sorry it's not the best post, I know I could've said much more and said it better but oh well. 

Have a great 2013!