Pushing On

Hello readers. I hope you all are going through life well. Sorry I haven’t posted in so long. This post has just taken me a while. So a few posts ago I shared my story with you and I've had people ask me to go into more depth of what happened and how I’m handing it. Don’t worry, it’s not horrible depth. If you haven't read my Little Girls and Stereotypes post i suggest you read it Here before you read on so you are not confused. I decided to do this because hopefully one day a girl or a guy will read this and have the courage and strength to push through just like I have. So here we go.

I already told you about how I was bullied and all that so I’ll start this October 2010. Beginning of October I found out that my bully had a wired kind of crush on me. I was scared but I always give everyone chances with friendship so why shouldn’t I give him a chance at taking me to homecoming (which he asked me to). He asked me two weeks before homecoming and I was all ready. I was going to wear a dress I wore to sweethearts. In that week we started hanging out a lot. We even stayed up super late a few nights just talking on the phone… or me listening to him talk mostly. I knew he was sort of narcissistic but like I said, everyone gets chances. He was sweetish to me and it was going great. Just a couple of days before the homecoming dance he called it off and said we should just go to a movie instead. He didn’t want to go to the dance because he didn’t know anyone else that was going and so it wouldn’t be fun just the two of us. I was upset but we just went to a movie.

You: “Didn’t you figure out then there was something up or even think because he was a narcissist there was a problem?”

Me: “I was naïve and didn’t think it was really a big deal. He seemed nice to me and well, I was just excited that a guy actually liked me for once… I just didn’t know it was fake.”

We went on a few dates after homecoming, I had to pay for all but I had a job and was used to paying for friends when we went out and did fun things. I didn’t see the harm in this, but I was really being used.

He would take me to this parking lot and we’d mostly talk but after a couple of times he would ask for sex. I said “No” many times but he’d always push. One night after we went to a haunted house he was pressing the sex issue again and again I said “No.” he then told me “That’s all you say. We’ve done things you wanted to do, so why can’t we do something I want.” This took me back. I was trying to find the words to say no again but to make it seem like I wasn’t a bad person. That thinking is what gave him his chance.

He manipulated me like that and even worse times after that from buying his tickets for movies and stuff to having his way with me. I tried escaping once or twice and I learned quickly that I couldn’t. He would choke me and pin me down.

I blamed myself for it all. He made me feel like it was my entire fault and it was me who wanted it all. I was naïve and gullible and he was a master at manipulation.

A week after I moved away to college I was sexually harassed. I was lucky to get out before things got too bad but it was bad enough. A few months after I found out my friend was sexually harassed by the same guy and our mutual friend knew another girl who was as well. The tree of us got together and told someone. It was hard who to find who to tell but after much digging we told the right person and they took care of everything. I did blame myself even after I knew he did it to others.

Truthfully, I still blame myself sometimes. But I lived and I’m living life. I hear stories of people who go through this horrible situation and don’t survive physically or mentally. It takes a huge toll on one’s psyche and I’m grateful that even though I’ve been going through a small case of PTSD and other things, I’m able to sit here at my computer and share my story so I can, hopefully, help others out there.

I’m the type of person who I try not to let anyone see me cry even those two guys. Some say that’s strong. I don’t think so. I know that’s just my way of staying safe. I still have nightmares, some worse than others. When I see that kid on campus I can’t breathe and always have the urge to run away. I have horrible self esteem and barely any confidence. But I’m living.

I live for me. I made a decision that I wouldn’t let two Guys who did me wrong rule my life forever. I am going to follow all my dreams whatever they may be. This is my way of showing them they don’t control me and never did. This is my way of moving on. I live and learn.

My advice to anyone who has had this happen to them is this:

• ·         Don’t let the person(s) who wronged you rule you’re life. Find something to hold on to and something to strive for and go for it. It can be anything. Focus on one goal at a time.
• ·         Get some help. Yes, I said that. I go to a counselor. They do actually help even if you don’t talk about that situation specifically. They help you by listening and giving their advice if you would like it.
• ·         Talk to a trusted friend or family member and know they are there for you. If you don’t think you have anyone I just want you to know you have me. I’m not a professional or anything, but I've experienced hell and I’m here for anyone who needs a friend.
• ·         Don’t give up. You have the strength to push on whether you believe me or not.

This is my message. I wish you all a great life and I shall see you the next time I have time to post. Until then I bid you all Adieu. 

Little Girls and Stereotypes

There are a lot of stereotypes people have about people that have different experiences than them. I’ve noticed that a lot of people look down on people who were Bullied as kids, who have a low income, who are a different race, who are a single parent and people who are raped. I’m going to share a story with you that may make you think differently about two of these types of people if not all.

Ever since Elementary School a little girl was bullied. She would go home crying every day. She thought that going to a new school could help her make new friends. She went to Jr. High, a brand new school. The bullying got worse. She would be in the office every day because she couldn’t stand being in class being laughed at because she would answer the teachers questions. She would even be suspended multiple times for being a “nuisance to others.” She would be jumped after school and threatened every day. After two years she begged her mom to switch schools. She was accepted into a Charter School, her blessing for her problem. She moved onto that new school for the next four years. Sadly she was still bullied for the next 3 ½ years in a different way, but bullied all the same. She was called stupid and her “Friends” used her until they were done and threw her away like a piece of trash. Through all of this she still stayed happy and confident in her future and focused on everything to make it where she wanted to be. She thought things couldn’t get worse, until the beginning of her Senior Year. At the beginning of her senior year, a boy who bullied her in Jr. High and who went to her High School raped her. She told no one. Her High School had a total of about 400 students for all four grades and she figured if she told anyone it would create more trouble than it would solve. She kept her mouth shut and didn’t say anything. Two months later it happened again by the same boy. After the second one she told her two best friends. The girl best friend got jealous of her and even created more drama for their friendship. By the end of the next month they were no longer friends. The boy best friend comforted the girl and helped her through it. The girl blamed herself for it all and even tried to convince herself that it wasn’t rape because she could’ve stopped it. 8 months later the girl left to college. In 10 months, that boy raped her 7 times. Every time she could not avoid it or get out. That girl never let anyone know she was hurting inside and dying from the inside out. She showed the world the confident girl she wished she would be. No one knew but her one guy best friend and a few other friends she came to trust. The first week of college she was excited to be on her own doing something with her life and away from the pain of her past. That escape of pain didn’t last long. In her first week of college she was sexually harassed. She started going through PTSD from her rapes and her sexual harassment. She’s been going to counseling and getting over it. The best thing about this story isn’t her pain or the sad life she had. No, it’s about how she lives her life. No one would know she would be carrying around this pain unless she told them because she lived life happily. She has a smile on every day and goes to class to learn and make something of her life. Of course there isn’t a day in her life that she isn’t reminded of her pain but she pushes it away because she’s better then what someone did to her. People will say she’s so strong or so brave, but she doesn’t think so. She is the only one who feel her pain so strongly that she could burst into tears any second, but she doesn’t. She lives life as normally as she can. And she is happy.

I am that girl.

Yes. This is my story. If I didn’t tell you would you have known? I don’t think so. I don’t let my pain take me over. Of course I am the person I am today because of my experiences. I have test anxiety because I was made fun of for knowing the right answer in Jr. High. If someone asks me a question straight up, I can’t answer it. I freeze. I have a class where we need to talk about what we learned by reading our textbook. Every time I try to talk or want to I freeze. When teachers ask me questions, I freeze and it’s so embarrassing, but it’s just something I deal with.
I've gone though heart break and used to people treating me wonderfully then turned out to be not worth it. I've experienced hurt from a guy like every other teenage girl and I've done stupid crazy stuff like any college student. I'm normal just like you, just with different experiences. Right now I'm dealing with guy troubles and last week I dealt with drama like everyone else has. I'm no different and I hate how people will treat me differently after they find out. They do it even if they don't notice it or mean to. I'm used to it, but know I hate it almost as much as I hate being called only cute and nothing else. 

I know that a lot of people that have had the same experiences I’ve had act differently, but that’s because they are different people than I am. People deal with things differently and no one really knows a person’s story unless that person shares their story and the listener listens and accepts it. The thing that bugs me is when these stereotypes shape how a person thinks of another person. I’m not going to preach on how you shouldn’t judge people but I want you to think of my story and how I am as a person or what you know from my blog. I want you to ponder how you associate a word to an image you get in your mind. Here, let us try:

Rape

Bully

Adultery

Slut

Fat

Stupid

Nerd

Gamer

Jock

Now think of the people you associated with those words. What are their stories? Find out. It might just change your mind about stereotypes.

Have a fabulous day and I’ll blog again when I have time. :)
P.S.
A special thanks to all my friends that have helped me and stuck by me though it all. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. I will try the rest of my life trying to show you how much you mean to me. 

A Very Shower Friendship

Hi peoples!

So I haven’t written in quite a while but don’t fret, I’m still alive.

You all know how I was sad I couldn’t go home for Christmas, but guess what! I’m typing this from my living room! Ok, my mom’s living room, but it’s home to me. Being home just takes so much stress away, adds some too, but takes away the old stress.

One of my favorite things to do when I’m home is of course hang with my best friend, Shower. Me and shower, like always, were happy to see each other than went out in the world to cause some chaos. Ok, we didn’t cause TONS of chaos right off. We went to see Mission Impossible (which is a really good movie) and then we went to Beans and Brews (the best coffee place EVER! Way better than Starbucks.) and just talked. We talked about life, friends, and just general stuff that came up. I realized in that coffee shop, sitting by my best friend in the whole world, that it doesn’t really matter what others think of me because they don’t know me. Shower knows me almost as well as my own mom (or even more). Being back with him just feels right. We started talking about religion and how I’m getting back into the religion I grew up with, with a few exceptions of course. I don’t agree with some of the teachings within the religion, but that doesn’t make me a bad person or a bad (insert whatever religion you think I am). A lot of religious people, not just certain groups, are very judgmental. I’ve seen it in many types of religions. If someone isn’t doing EXACTLY what the teachings say to do than they’re looked down on. Me and Shower just talked about what we believe and that nothing that anyone else thinks matters in that area. Be true to yourself and your beliefs but also be courteous to other’s.

That was my inspirational message for this post. So me and Shower also talked about friends. I sort of lost a bunch of friends right before Christmas and it sucked. My last blog post did offend a few friends and for that I feel horrible. Anywho, so me and shower were talking about past friends and current friends. I’ve always known that I have a lot of trouble with friends but I realized recently that at the beginning of a semester and at the end I always have a rougher time with friends. I think it might be my stress levels going out of control so I don’t see harm I’m causing people. I’m going to have to work on that but for now I’m going to stick with the friends like Shower who are there with me through thick and thin. Don’t get me wrong. I still care DEEPLY about my friends I’m having problems with. I think these past few weeks away from each other will do us a TON of good. Being with each other every day without a break has worn our friendships very thin. I hope that everything is cooled down after we get back and we can still be friends. But anyways, back to what I was saying about Shower. We have known each other for about four and a half years. Being friends that long takes a lot on both parts. I remember I would get mad at him for things he did all the time and vice versa. The two things that kept our friendship together has to be communication and having the willingness to put up with each other. I have the capability to put up with a LOT of stuff and weirdness with people. People usually can’t put up with me. That’s not a bad thing at all! I don’t even blame them! I’m really hard to put up with. But that’s why I know that Shower and I have a great friendship. We know each other well enough to know how to put up with each other in a fun way and stay friends at the same time.

I’ve also noticed with Shower and I that when we have fights or arguments or are just tired of each other that our friendship will grow stronger after. I guess every good friendship needs a few fights or it’s not true! Me and Shower’s relationship used to be like a sin and cos graph (for all you math people who knows what I’m talking about YAY!). Look at the image below…

So I’m the red and Shower’s the green.  The up arches are we’re ok with each other, the down arches are we aren’t so ok with each other. See the stars? That’s when we hit together and are good and that’s usually when we had our best times. Things aren’t like that so much anymore. I live out of our home town now so we don’t get to see each other much anymore. When we do we’re just fine and want to spend as much time together as possible! Tomorrow we have another fun day planned. I’m leaving on Thursday (two days from now) hopefully (depending on when my car’s fixed) and with only one day left until the next time we see each other, it’s going to be an epic adventure (like always)!

So back to the coffee shop where we were talking. While we were talking I realized something, I can’t live without Shower. I can’t imagine my life without shower in it! I have fun pranks I’m going to play on him when we each are married and have a family and he has plans too; but this goes deeper than that. I truly love my best friend Shower more than anything else! He means so much to me I’d be lost without him. It’s going to suck not seeing him for a few months but I know he’ll be there for me whenever I need him.

So that’s my post for today. Can’t wait to go home (I have fun plans! ;D ) but am also going to be sad to leave here! I’ll post when I’m in my little town again! Have a most Wonderful day filled with fun and love! <3